Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
