I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
