last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
