Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
