So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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