apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
