It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
