If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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