My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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