1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
