the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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