I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
