At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
