I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
