that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
