If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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