I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
