I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
