I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
MIDGETS
????
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
