I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
