oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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