My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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