Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
