I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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