My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
