I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
