Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
