What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
