Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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