I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bring me that man meat
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
