bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
