Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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