I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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