im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
