i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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