im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
