What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
