Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
