I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Randomize
