she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
