I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
