you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
