I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
