Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
