Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
