I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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