Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
