take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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