Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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