Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
