That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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