I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
